I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
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