I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize