if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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