Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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