She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize