I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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