Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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