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Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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