Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
