im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
