weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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