i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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