my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
