a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
