just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
