who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
