why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
