omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
someone threw a dead crab at me
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
