Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
