got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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