I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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