Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
