i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
