I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
