My Higher Power is John Stamos
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
