I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
