Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
