If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's rum buckets o'clock
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize