saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
