Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
