Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
