MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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