She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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