someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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