As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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