u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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