i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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