went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
