just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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