I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
