Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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