i think i have herpe
just one?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
