tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
