Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Pooping to opera.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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