if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
