In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
