Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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