I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
