I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm bleeding and have questions
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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