Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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