her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
