dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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