You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
