ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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