I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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