So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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