my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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