I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
