He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
