No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
