i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
