kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
