I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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