the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
