and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
