It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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