you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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