I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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