She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize