I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
