I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
