I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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