help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
