I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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